New Year's restart

Tonight is New Year's Eve. Again this year I'm gonna do pretty much nothing than share a bag of chili-Cheetos with my cousin. Random fact: My cousin is about 3 years younger than me, and his name is Tycho. No kidding.

But except for that, I'm gonna do one of the most important things I've done this year, the same thing I did for the first time last year. Restart. I'm gonna let go of everything. All the things I should've done, but never did and all the things I did, but shouldn't have done. All the things other people did or didn't do. All the things that was or wasn't said. The lies that was told, the fights that took place, and the promises that wasn't kept.
And I'm planning on doing this every year from now on, since so far 2011 have been my, at least over-all, happiest year. And, in this case a bit more important, most mentally stable year. True, I don't know if that is the reason why, but I'd like to think so, since it gives me a slight feeling of control, which I've lacked for way too many years.

On a slight different note, my New Year's resolutions:

• Go at least a month without eating my own skin (Too difficult to explain)
• Reach my goal-weight (Big surprise, I want to loose weight)
• Get as many New Year's resolutions as possible done (Every year. Still haven't been able to check, since I'm apparently never satisfied)
• Become better at keeping the promises I give my self (Since 2009)
• Drink more water (Did really good at this through 2010, but last couple of months of 2011 I really failed)
• Learn to get past my creative-blocks (Since 2003)
• Get to dye my hair at least one awesome colour (Since my "getting my parents to pay for it to get bleached, letting them think I want to be blonde again"-plan failed, this probably won't happen this year either)
• Accounting my money income and spending monthly (Already started that)
• Quit being a drama queen and attention whore and just be honest with everyone, including myself
• To be more helpful to others (Mostly my parents)
• Get a job (I've had this since I was 12, and couldn't even work, but there's still no one who wants to hire me anywhere!)
• Be happy!
• Get a SLR camera
• Get a Pullip Papin (My all-time favorite pullip, I want her SO bad! I was supposed to buy one off eBay after Christmas/New Years, but I didn't get that SLR camera for Christmas, and I really need that first)

Happy New Years to all ♥

Shadows and fake friends

"fake friends are like shadows, always near you at your brightest moments but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hours."

I'm at a very dark hour, and no one's there. So please excuse me, but I think that gives me the right to be pissy and depressing.
So instead of bitching about it, try being there for me.

I want to die

It's as simple as that. I just can't stand all this hate anymore. I've been in bed for about an hour now, crying my eyes out, screaming my lungs out, hitting my head and my fists into the wall, cutting myself with whatever I can find, choked myself with my own hands and held my breath till I was gasping for air, but what hurts the most is that no one cares. Which is why I do it, which is why I'll keep doing it. It's a vicious and painful circle, but it is something I must force myself to do, until I'm ready to finally let this world be rid of me.
I only want you to remember this; words hurt.

How do you know if you have a real connection to someone?

'How can I know if this real?', 'Does this person really like me?', etc. 
I think we've all asked ourselves these questions over the years. Well, I truly got some of them answered yesterday.
You see, me and my dear, dear friend, Max, hadn't seen each other in 8 weeks! And yes, I counted. But we finally met up yesterday, and what did we do, you may wonder, since the quite dramatic intro? Well, we walked a bit on Strøget, we ate ice cream at Jensen's Stakehouse for over 2 hours, we bought Monster and Rockstar energy drinks at Candy Megastore, and sat for like 10 minutes at "our" square (A square a bit away from Strøget where we always sit and drink our energy drinks). Then, we walked to Copenhagen Central Station and, I'm not kidding you, sat on the fucking floor for 3½ hours!
Does it sound boring? Yes, very much indeed. But it wasn't. Not for a second. And that is why I felt so assured that what Max and I have is real! Don't get me wrong, I've known for a long time what an amazing person she is, but from the past I've learned, that you can't always just trust your gut. But I feel like we've proven our friendship a bit.

Max, I love you. More than you will ever know. You're such an amazing person, and as cliché as it sounds, I honestly don't know what I have done to deserve your love. Every time you stand on Nørreport and I sit inside the slowly starting train and we wave to each other, my heart breaks a little. And it stays broken 'til the next time I feel your embrace.
Just thought you'd might like to know ♥

// Chii ♥

To the people who apparently feel that they have to snoop around in my life;

Welcome.

My name is Chii, and I'm a 16 year old girl. That's pretty much all you need to know for now.

This blog exists, not for your entertainment, but for the purpose that it's suppose to help me to not destroy my own mind from the inside. It is here to help me reflect on my own life, the actions I've made and the choices I've taken. To help me accept my past, my presence and my fate.

Yet is is here for you to look into. Because I allow you to. I have given you a backstage pass to my mind. A pass, that allows you to step up and get close enough to see some of the deepest and darkest corners of it.

There is just one thing you need to be aware of. My mind is like a kaleidoscope. Whether you are able to see it or not, there will be millions of versions of the reality that I'll be telling you about, but I'll only tell you one or two.

Now, enjoy.

And don't get too lost.